Anyone
can say Yes. Saying Yes is easy. When we say Yes people like us because it’s a
simple way to avoid confrontation or argument. However, when you say Yes, what are you actually
saying No to? What are you sacrificing?
As
the year comes to a close and you look back at your achievements in 2014, it’s
healthy to review what you said Yes to and what you said No to i.e. what did
you intend to do but sacrifice for the sake of something else?
When you say Yes to daily distractions are
you saying No to the important strategic decisions and planning that take
serious effort?
When you say Yes to additional work are you
saying No to the important relationships that sustain your success?
When
you say Yes to unnecessary commitments are you saying No to the time you need
to recover and rejuvenate?
When
you say Yes to temptation are you saying No to your health?
In
a recent blog on the toughest lessons learned by successful entrepreneurs, not
being able to say No in various forms was one of the biggest mistakes that the
interviewees admitted to and many said it led to expensive failures.
Effective
leadership and management is all about the quality of your decisions. The decisions about what you say Yes to and
what you say No to need to be conscious and deliberate in order to avoid
unwanted consequences. Saying No can be
difficult but our Yes’s also account for a lot of stress, overwhelm and
disappointment. If we cannot say No,
what value does our Yes really have?
As
2014 draws to a close and 2015 appears on the horizon what will you decide to
say No to in the coming year?
It
may seem a bit strange but many of the things we might do in a gym probably
felt a bit odd the first time we went did them and some of them probably made
us feel uncomfortable. Saying No is a
bit like building muscle; it has to be practiced . . . consistently.
Here
are a few suggestions:
- can you delete some emails rather than
respond to them?
- can you decline an invitation to a
meeting?
- can you choose to ignore what someone
is saying about you?
- can you let go of interfering in the detail
of your people’s work?
- can you state clearly that a new
unscheduled task cannot be achieved today?
It's
often our No’s that give value to our Yes’s.
You
may find it surprising how often you have agreed to do something you would
really rather not do simply because you did not know the best way to say
‘No’. Even more annoying are the times
you say No but are then somehow persuaded to change your mind and say Yes
instead. Being assertive means knowing how
to say No and mean it!
Here are 13 tips to successfully
say No to others:
1.
Not use the word ‘no’ or ‘I can’t’ at all.
- Say ‘I am unable to’ . . . or ‘It
is not possible . . .’
- You could
add ‘. . . at this time’ if you feel it is appropriate, but beware of
piling a lot of work up for the future.
2. Say no at the beginning:
- This makes it more likely that everything
else you say will be heard and understood.
3.
Remember that by declining, you are rejecting the request not the person.
4.
Accept that sometimes you may appear to upset someone if you cannot comply with
their request – their upset is their problem.
- Don’t make it your problem by giving in and
saying yes when you really are unable to do something.
- Focus on what you will be sacrificing; can
you really afford to sacrifice it?
- If you are not careful you’ll be the one
who’s upset!
5.
Pause before answering a request, if you are not sure about it – it is
permissible to say, ‘Can I get back to you on this?’ or, ‘Can I let you
know later?’
6.
Practice saying, ‘I am unable to . . .’ out loud in private, using a
variety of phrases until you find one or two that you are comfortable with.
- Give your reasons: Say them straight. The
more tangible and specific your reasons are the better.
7.
Acknowledge their need without giving in: ‘I understand you need someone to
help you, but I am unable to do that right now’.
8.
Be brief. Don’t give a long speech about
why you have to say no.
- A non-committal phrase such as ‘other priorities
I have to attend to’ is more than enough explanation.
- If you are interrogated about why you cannot
do something, you could reply ‘I prefer not to say’.
- If
it is your Manager say; “This
is what I’m working on at the moment and if I do what you are asking (XXXX) won’t
get done, what would you prefer I focus on?”.
9.
Keep repeating your statements like a broken record if necessary to deflect
their insistence.
10.
Show you care:
- Sympathise or empathise with the person you
are saying no to.
- Ask questions about what the other person
thinks and feels.
- Take responsibility for any contribution
you’ve made to the situation e.g. ‘I should have explained earlier’.
11.
Be calm, pleasant and polite.
- Don’t snap.
- If necessary, thank the person for asking
and still say no.
- ‘No. I’m afraid it’s just not possible to
make that, but thank you for asking me’.
‘I understand the importance of this assignment but without extra resources,
I cannot take it on’.
12.
If they persist and you are finding it difficult to resist, then say so. ‘I’m
afraid I can’t do that and you are making it difficult for me by trying to
insist. Please don’t’.
13.
It usually helps to end the conversation quickly. ‘I’m afraid I’m unable to do that, but
thank you for asking me. I don’t want to
sound abrupt, but I really do have to go now’. This reduces further opportunities to change
your mind!
A word of caution
A
while ago I did some coaching with a manager about saying No and he took me
very literally. He decided that he was
going to make a point of saying No to the next request from his boss (the
Managing Director). The MD had made what
was in fact a very reasonable request and was rather surprised to get a strong
and emphatic No from his manager! The
manager had taken the coaching as an excuse to take a stand at what he
perceived as a long history of unfairness and chose the wrong moment to say No
and rather than practice the tips above, he also said it in the wrong way. It created a rather unpleasant situation that
ultimately created a problem with customer service.
So,
as you practice, think about the best way to respond instead of just reacting.
Do let me know how
you get on.
Have
a great December and enjoy the party season!
With best regards
David Klaasen
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