Accidental
connections
Recent studies show that if situations like
the one above aren’t managed a cocktail of neurochemicals like adrenalin and
norepinephrine are released by the brain and the limbic system is
activated. The limbic system is a region
of the brain that triggers emotions and memories that may be many years – if not
decades – old. Once aroused it thinks
very pessimistically and makes accidental connections. This creates a strong ‘fight or flight’
response because it is looking for problems and remembering painful emotions.
In his fascinating book “Your Brain at Work”
David Rock explains that the balance of how we feel amongst others is actually
dictated by our perception of Status.
Your brain maintains and continuously updates complex maps of the
“Pecking Order” of the people around you.
The studies he mentions in the book show that you create a
representation of your own and someone else’s status in the brain whenever you
communicate and this influences how you react with others. Changes in status (your perception of the
pecking order) bring about changes in how millions of neurons are connected. This is powerful stuff because it’s one of
the primary rewards or threats in human beings.
Rock mentions that “If you have ever been in
a relationship where one partner starts earning more money than the other you
will have perceived these wide-scale changes in brain circuitry taking place
and which can bring some interesting challenges”.
Uppers
and downers
When we have a sense of increased status we
feel wonderful because the brain releases a dose of dopamine and serotonin, the
hormones that make us happier. Cortisol levels, a marker of stress, go down and
Testosterone levels go up, helping you to feel strong and confident and even
improving your sex drive. According to
the latest research this positive combination of happy neurochemicals provides
us with an increase in the number of new connections made per hour in the
brain. This means better awareness of
others and better access to the subtle neural connections that can make us more
intelligent and helps us live longer.
A drop in status feels very dangerous. A perception of being ‘less than others’
activates the same region of the brain as physical pain. One study showed five different physical pain
regions of the brain lighting up when an individual felt a drop in status. Social pain can be as painful as physical
pain because the two seem identical to your brain. If you feel a ‘status threat’
your brain reacts like it is about to be hit with a stick. Just think about the drop in your stomach
when a colleague, customer or partner says to you “Can I give you some
feedback?” If you innocently ask a new colleague
or business partner for some information about how a project is going it can elicit
a deep threat response from them: Don’t you trust them? Are you checking up on
them? Their threat response could make
them say something that will damage the relationship. So don’t underestimate the impact of asking
someone you manage how their day is going, it may carry more emotional weight
than you think.
Managing
status
A useful strategy to use when you give
someone who is very defensive some potentially threatening feedback, is to
lower your own status by talking down your own performance. For example, sharing a time in the past when
you had a problem, issue or experience that you had to learn from.
Another useful strategy to manage status is
to help someone feel that their status has gone up by giving them positive
feedback. Telling others what they have
done well gives them a sense of increasing status and includes all the benefits
that come from a nice dose of dopamine and serotonin.
It is interesting to note that in his book
Rock says “The trouble is, unless you have strong personal awareness, giving
other people positive feedback may feel like a threat, because of a sense of a relative
change in status.” He goes on to say
that this may explain why, despite employees universally asking for more positive
feedback, employers prefer the safer “deficit model” of management, of pointing
out people’s faults, problems and performance gaps. How comfortable are you praising your peers
and your team? It takes a healthy inner
perception of one’s own status to do it with authenticity and confidence.
Winners
and losers and . . .
It’s all relative. Status is a concept that is in the eye of the
beholder so you can affect the way you perceive your own status. There is now ample evidence that when we see
others who are less well off or more disadvantaged we feel ‘better than them’
and we feel a corresponding increase in status.
Rock says “You can elevate your status by finding a way to feel smarter,
funnier, healthier, richer, more righteous, more organised, fitter and stronger
or by beating other people at just about anything at all. The key is to find a ‘niche’ where you feel
you are ‘above’ others.”
But while this sense of competition may help
you focus, it means that there are always winners and losers. If you are constantly comparing yourself to
others you are also bound to notice those people that you perceive as ‘better
than you’ for whatever reason, leading to a status threat and the pain that
comes with it.
The alternative is to become more mindful and
self-aware. By being mindful you are
able to quiet your mind and play at becoming better than your ‘former self’. This takes courage and the ability to reflect
on your thinking about your thinking.
It’s about acknowledging how you feel about yourself and then doing
something positive today that will help you feel better about yourself
tomorrow. This helps you to feel ever
increasing-status without threatening others.
Become
more mindful
Mindfulness is a term that is becoming more
popular at the cutting edge of leadership literature. Originally used as a term in Buddhism, it means
the opposite of mindlessness. You are
paying attention to and being fully aware of what you are experiencing in the
moment, with an open and accepting mind.
It helps to cut through all the baggage and observe what is really
happening, rather than what you are making it mean.
I was fortunate to have a Godmother who suggested
I learn to meditate when I was still a teenager, and I’ve been doing it in
various forms ever since. Until recently
it was not appropriate to discuss it because of the ‘hippy’ connotations. However, now there is ample scientific evidence
of its profound benefits and increasing numbers of my clients are asking me
about it.
A great place to start is with a Body
Awareness Meditation where you take a few minutes to observe your breathing and
then systematically relax your toes, feet, legs and body all the way to your
head. Doing this on a regular basis will
enable you to become even more aware of what you are experiencing and what is
really going on around you. With raised
awareness you can respond more effectively rather than just reacting to a surge
of neurochemicals and emotional triggers.
I have recently had two versions of this basic
relaxation meditation professionally recorded with an ambient soundscape and it
is currently available to readers of this blog for a limited period.
If you are interested in improving your
wellbeing, and accessing the power of raising your awareness with mindfulness
just follow the link below and follow the instructions.
If you would like to know more about mindful
leadership and how to improve communication, or learn about our robust yet
practical system for avoiding common problems and driving performance please
contact Gloria on admin@InspiredWorking.com to arrange
a no-obligation call to discuss your situation.
Remember . . . Stay Curious!
With best regards
David Klaasen
David Klaasen is director and owner of the niche HR
consultancy, Inspired Working Ltd. (www.InspiredWorking.com)
We now have a new website packed full of learning resources
for managers for more info see www.InspiredWorkingonline.com
If you have a communication or performance problem and would like some objective advice drop him a line at info@InspiredWorking.com.
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